Demon

So pretty much every morning I wake with a demon sitting on my shoulder. Some days she is constant and annoying, others she is a faint hum in the background that I catch every so often, and occasionally she is intently pounding on me, wanting my full attention. I’ve lived with this demon since university, and so far she has convinced me to attempt suicide twice, ensures that I am medicated with anti-depressants and requires me to sit down regularly with great therapists. I follow all my doctors and therapists prescribed orders and try hard to be successful in completing them, yet I can’t get rid of this demon. Then this year I read a great book called “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson and she told me the demon never leaves – she will always be there. Meaning there is no cure for this disease – you can manage the symptoms – but their is no cure. 

Uhh…🙄. Even though I’ve had depression for almost 20 years I’ve always assumed “It” was something I could get over and that I wasn’t getting better because of my failings. Failing to get over depression alway scared me because I knew my inability to getter better was affecting not only me and that guilt gave the demon more control. Everyday, I fight it as hard as I can, feeling like I am dodging punches daily from the demon, yet taking a beating that makes it harder not to stay down, a little longer, each time I fall.  The ability to find energy to get back up is key because staying down means fight over. If there is no cure that means I will always have a demon to battle. 

As I battle in my mind, I am still a physical presence here on this earth and my most important cap🧢 I wear right now is that of mom. To me, being a good mom means I am active and present with my children and not lying on the bed, non-communicative, with thoughts of self-harm, and selfishness racing through my brain, causing panic and anxiety. Symptoms of my disease.  

“There is no cure. I have to do something more to treat the symptoms if I will forever be in battle because what I am doing now isn’t enough.”

I started consuming marijuana because of debilitating migraines that would come on so suddenly and violently that I was no longer able to drive with my children any great distance alone. Marijuana worked wonders for treating and preventing my migraines and knowing I need to do something else to help me with my battle against depression I started looking closer at the marijuana I order to treat my migraines. Are there strains that can effectively treat my depression symptoms along with my migraines and not carry side effects of anxiety and panic? There were quiet a few options, so over the last six months I made changes to my strain selections and started actively treating my depression with weed. Well, what a difference!!

Weed doesn’t cure depression. What it does do is help you get up and move, making it easier to do all the other things you know you need to do in your battle 🥊 🥊 against the disease. Moving is one of the biggest challenges when your demon is beating on you relentlessly. Getting outside in nature, exercising, being with your family are so important on these days – I know this, every depressed person who seeks treatment for their disease knows this. I have it written down in my journal, on sticky notes placed in strategic locations throughout the house yet on many days I still can’t move. The stains I selected help give me that push to get up and go, lift my mood, enabling me to put energy behind my knowledge of what I need to do when my symptoms are bad. After battling for years, slowly and steadily losing ground, changing my marijuana strains to actively treat my depression has shifted the energy in my battle and made a noticeably positive difference in my daily life!! 🌞🦋

Once MJ becomes legal in Canada, consider looking into treating the symptoms of your depression with marijuana. There are lots of apps like Leafy that can help you understand all the different strains soon to be offered legally to you. Marijuana might be the right element to add to your treatment of your disease as well.  

If you have any questions I can offer you stories on my experiences and you can take from them what you will. 

Note: Salem deCat is my daughter’s son (she doesn’t like the word pet), not a demon.  I needed a picture for the post and sometimes he acts like a fun demon. He is truly a wonderful cat and very entertaining to watch. 

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